Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Stinken up the Room

I was reading over some old blog posts from 2008 and found myself amused at the parallels between my life then and my life now. I mean, sure I've heard the saying "people don't change" but who knew "people" actually means ME?

Back then I was writing as a newly wed from Spain. I was grieving for home and frustrated as ever about my so called "fear of success" as a writer. Seriously, that's what I called it.

My writing was so pretentious that I find myself embarrassed for the readers (who mostly existed in my imagination) who may have been kind enough to read those posts. My strange fascination with verbiage and the word "poised" read like a bad high school term paper. And yet, despite all of that, I think I was writing a teeny, tiny bit of truth. Truth about my flaky nature. Truth about my debilitating fears. It's these truths that still strike a cord with me 2.0

Funny thing is, after Spain, I threw in the towel with writing. I think a few too many bad blog posts got me down, so I decided to redefine myself as a photographer. I stopped writing, almost completely and began taking pictures, scheduling shoots. It was way easier to do that than to define myself as a suck ass writer.

Obviously, it wasn't the worst thing I could do. By running away from fears I found myself an inspiring career in fashion photography. But despite my somewhat-successful business, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had stayed put, if I had pushed through the bad writing, the exaggerated pros. I mean, even if I had continued to suck and even if I had discovered that writing was not "my thing" wouldn't it have been cool to say "I gave it everything I've got" ?

Similarly, I've run up against some walls in my acting journey. At first, I brushed it off as a fluke, that I must be getting too busy. That of course I was overwhelmed- I'm a mom and a freelance photographer- I've got laundry and errands and not to mention seasonal depression... things NOONE else would even understand. Uh huh. I think like this. But then I realized. Whoa! You know what this sounds like? Bullshit! Yes ma'am. I'm definitely stinken up the room.

I mean, when the day is done, or the season- or hell, the year! I can rack up all the excuses (because that's all they are) to stay exactly where I am. Not moving forward means staying safe, running backwards means farther from failure. But HELLO! Wake up, I have to tell myself. It also means farther from the possibility of SUCCESS. Of growth. Of personal fulfillment and satisfaction. Without taking risks, biting the bullet, whatever you want to call it, life is not really LIVING.

So, all of that to say. I had a little lightbulb moment recently. My lightbulb was about acting this time around. I realized that I have to stick around and push even when it's hard and even what I know I'm sucking it up. But maybe if this works out, I'll find myself giving writing another try. Maybe if sucking doesn't actually suck I'll consider other things to suck at as well ( :

1 comment:

Jenni said...

:) I miss your writing...and I totally know what you mean about embarrassing blog posts...though I don't remember reading anything of yours that was so terrible.